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float_on_alrightI want to write, though I'm not sure what I want to write. I've noticed I feel better when I'm writing. I haven't tried to write any original fiction lately, but I haven't been interested in it anyway. I haven't been interested in reading recently, which is sad for me because it is typically one of my great loves. I haven't read a book in over a month, actually, which is incredibly rare for me. I haven't even been rereading anything or listening to any books in the car when I'm driving. I do read for school, of course, but those are articles mostly and some textbooks. It's not the same thing as a novel, and it's definitely not for fun. Reading the textbook is not relaxing, I can tell you that for sure. Some of the articles are pretty rough too. The reading is interesting, that's for sure. It's hard to be motivated to do anything right now, school-wise. I can't count how many times I've gone to work on a project or assignment when suddenly my brain shuts down and acts like it's never heard of such a thing as writing a paper or making a PowerPoint or Google Slide presentation. It's frustrating. I also feel like I'm the kind of person who has to be under the gun to get anything done, and the adrenaline is the only thing getting me through my big projects. At the same time, I'm so tired from work and the pandemic and the general exhaustion of attempting to have some sort of semblance of mental and emotional wellbeing that I feel like my well of adrenaline is dried up. It's hard to get the fear of consequences going to produce adrenaline when my body is constantly on edge just from being alive. I don't know how to work around this. I have so many things due in the next week and a half, and every time I think about them, my brain sort of shuts down--just turns into TV static. I need to get in contact with the Student with Disabilities campus people. The sooner I do that, the better, but of course, that feels like another overwhelming thing that I don't understand how to do. I know it starts with a simple phone call to their department, but it seems like they're going to want paperwork and validation from my doctors, and that sounds so ridiculously hard and exhausting even though I have no idea if that is or isn't true. I don't know. I want to do well, but I don't wanna do anything either. It's a bit of a conundrum. Ugh. I hate feeling like this.
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